


disappointed

by aromanticanti



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Griangst, Insomnia, Kinda, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Who's to Say, and maybe hell get one, this boy has issues, this boy needs a hug, this is sort of a rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26909422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aromanticanti/pseuds/aromanticanti
Summary: grian is spiraling
Relationships: Grian/Mumbo Jumbo/Iskall
Comments: 4
Kudos: 183





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> kind of a rewrite of https://archiveofourown.org/works/25242328/chapters/61189717
> 
> it was 2am as I wrote this but I kinda like how it came out? it's a little short but this is just the first chapter
> 
> the timeline is sort of ambiguous it could be the most recent episode it could not be
> 
> who's to say
> 
> certainly not me

It was a chilly night in the jungle, other than the natural noises like parrots and the rustling of leaves in the wind it was fairly quiet as well. Though it wasn’t surprising since it was well past a normal time, even for the insomniac overworking hermits it was pretty late.

Most hermits were asleep, except for him. Grian was sitting against his wall slightly out of it. His breathing was ragged and his heart rate was way too fast. He could feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming on yet couldn’t do anything to stop it.

His mental health had taken a hit recently that he doesn’t think he’d recover from. He’s barely been sleeping, rarely leaves his base and hasn’t talked to a single hermit in what was probably a week.

Not like the other hermits didn’t try contacting him. They definitely did, he just ignored them. He was staying in his hobbit hole and so far the other hermits hadn’t checked for him there, only messaging his communicator. 

He didn’t mean to worry them but he just didn’t have the energy to even type out a message saying he was okay. It would be a lie, anyway.

His mental health hadn’t been this bad since the start of season six. Joining hermitcraft and having all the hermits as a support system helped him slowly recover from self harm and his mental health issues.

He definitely still dealt with depression and ptsd but it was manageable with his friends and partners. He doesn’t know what happened to suddenly reverse all of his progress, maybe it was just bad luck.

He was still sitting on the floor with his knees pulled tightly to his chest and his wings wrapped protectively around himself when his panic slowly started to edge away, for now. His panic attacks had been getting more frequent, probably a mixture of his poor mental health and lack of sleep.

As he became more aware of his surroundings he suddenly stood up. His mental health taking a hit this bad didn’t just mean panic attacks and worsened insomnia, it also meant a relapse. 

He had somehow managed to stay clean this whole hellish week but he just couldn’t anymore, here goes two years. 

He slowly made his way towards the bathroom, walking in, locking the door behind him and turning on the light. It’s then he realized he’d have to break open one of his razors for a blade. 

He threw all of his away a year and a half ago with the help of his partners, iskall and mumbo. They were going to be so disappointed in him, not like he cared at the moment. He didn’t really want to think about his partners right now anyway, all it managed to do was fill him with loneliness and guilt.

He finally broke apart his disposable razor after a few shaky attempts and took the blades out of it. They were sharp, he could draw blood by just touching it to his skin. He stared at the blade for only a second longer before starting on his left arm.

With every cut came more desperation and aggression. After what felt like only a few minutes but was probably more like thirty both of his arms were covered in deep angry gashes and dripping blood.

He set the blade down on his counter and turned the sink on, running his arms under the water. He definitely felt better, he forgot the amount of relief that came after cutting it was like he could finally breathe after being submerged underwater for too long.

He wrapped his mangled arms up with bandages and gingerly pulled down his sweater sleeves. He was then reminded of his partners, he suddenly felt guilty. After everything the two architechs did to help him and the love they gave him he went and did this.

Grian knew they were going to be upset and that just made him feel more guilty, almost enough for him to pick the blade back up and go for another round, almost.

He just resolved he wouldn’t let them find out, he couldn’t.

He sighed as he dragged his tired body to his bed and laid down, closing his eyes but not falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo pog is that another chapter!?
> 
> um yeah this one is a little explicit with the self harm because I write this as a vent and I am NOT doing too well right now haha
> 
> anyway I'm planning on having a chapter from mumbo and iskall's perspective soon and hopefully grian will get his hug or something

He sat up in his bed, he still hadn’t been able to sleep much. Even when he had been able to fall asleep it was restless and riddled with nightmares. He was awfully tired but at the same time he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep even if he tried.

He threw what was left of his covers onto the floor to join its brethren and walked over to his closet, picking out a new pair of jeans and another one of his signature red sweaters. He made his way over to the bathroom, a room he’s been spending a lot more time in lately, and turned on his shower.

As he stood under the shower head raining freezing cold water on his small body as he let his mind wander. He thought about how these past few days have been, they haven’t been...great.

His self harm had only gotten worse as the days went by, he still hadn’t even left his little hobbit hole though he thinks he might today, he needed to check the barge and work on his mansion, either of them.

He starts to think about his partners and that immediately made his mood ten times worse. He was filled with a strong sense of guilt for relapsing and just his deteriorating mental health in general. He knew this wasn’t entirely his fault but he also could’ve talked to someone.

Iskall and mumbo are gonna be disappointed in him. 

That thought alone almost sends him into a separate mini spiral. He hates making his partners worry or upsetting them yet that is exactly what will happen when they inevitably find out about this. He isn’t stupid, he knows they’re bound to find out at some point. He’ll hide it for as long as he can but he knows that won’t work forever.

Not only is that just wishful thinking, the other architechs aren’t stupid. Not to mention iskall’s freaky talent of reading people, especially their partners, like a book. They also know about his struggles with mental health and self harm in the past, they’re one of the biggest factors in his previous recovery.

He sighed as he turned off the shower along with that train of thought. 

He could feel a hint aof panic starting to bubble in his stomach and before he even put on his pants he grabbed his blade off the counter and didn’t even hesitate before he started aggressively ripping open the already cut up skin on both of his arms.

Eventually he had run out of room on his arms and maybe because he could still feel the panic bubbling in his belly or maybe he just wasn’t satisfied quite yet he moved onto his legs, cutting deeper and faster.

After around an hour he finally felt the panic edge away and a feeling of satisfaction overtake it. He looked at his arms, then at his legs and decided he would have to get another towel. 

He wet the new towel under the sink and patted down his legs, then his arms. After this was done he threw the bloody and slightly damp towel into the laundry bin in the corner of his bathroom.

He wrapped himself up in bandages and carefully pulled on his clothes, trying not to rip open any of his fresh cuts. He washed of the blade and relented he’d need more bandages, and probably a new blade, his was getting dull.

He made his way out of the bathroom thinking about what he should do first today. He could go work on one of his mansions or he could check the barge. There were also the remaining hermit challenge chickens but he didn’t really feel up to one of the challenges his partners gave him.

He decided on checking the barge and with that made his way to the shopping district.

He could’ve flown there and usually he would’ve but today he just didn’t have the energy for it, so he settled on going through the nether. 

He usually liked flying so he could relish in the salty smell of the ocean and the wind flowing easily off his body along with the ruffling of his feathers as he flew through the air.

He sighed wistfully thinking about changing his mind and flying anyway until he stumbled halfway to his nether portal. He quickly changes his mind again and silently curses his blood loss and hunger.

He hadn’t eaten in a day or two, he just didn’t have the energy to feed himself. So that combined with the blood loss made him tired and dizzy. He hoped he didn’t run into anyone while he was out.

He made his way through the nether, slowly, to the portal that would take him to the shopping district. 

He flew from the portal into his barge and even just that short flight took a lot out of him as he stumbled and would of fallen if it wasn’t for Ren who was looking at his mystery boxes.

“woah there dude are you alright?” he could see Ren’s slightly concerned gaze through his sunglasses “yeah, just a rough landing haha.” he steadied himself on Ren’s arm and then quickly let go.

“if you say so g man, well I have treasure to find now so see ya!” Ren said this while waving around the mystery barge box then lighting fireworks and flying right out the barge.

Grian was grateful Ren didn’t question him too much even though he knew he could definitely tell that it wasn’t just a ‘bad landing’. He wasn’t going to dwell on it too much and made his way over to the closest diamond chest.

He made his way around the barge looking through all of the chests and making a mental checklist of what he needs to restock and by the time he was finished he was one hundred and ninety two diamonds richer.

He went over the mental checklist of what he needs to restock a few times and left to go get the things he needed.

(pretend I wrote the grinding if you want idk)

After what was probably five or six hours of grinding he felt like he was seconds away from passing out. He had already restocked the barge so he headed back to his hobbit hole.

When he entered it was quiet and calm as always. He kicked off his shoes and made his way to the bathroom, he looked in the mirror for a few minutes before washing off his face a bit and gripping the sink as he was hit with a sudden wave of nausea.

He groaned as he stood up straighter and made his way over to his bed. He didn’t even pick his blankets off the floor as he crashed onto his bed swiftly passing out into a restless uneasy sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVENT UPDATED IN SO LONG IM SO SORRY LMAO UM
> 
> anyways I kinda hate how the chapter ends because I cut 227 words from it it feels stunted
> 
> also might start my rewrite of coming out today idk though I'm really tired
> 
> anyways hope you guys enjoy this more than I did

It was cold. That was the first thing he noticed. The second thing, was that he was sore. Everywhere that could possibly hurt did. He slowly opened his eyes, squinting at the light. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the light, he looked around. He quickly realized he was in his bathroom and once that clicked he started to remember what happened. 

Earlier, he wasn’t sure how much earlier, he had been working on his base. He doesn’t remember what trigged it, if it was anything at all, but he had a panic attack. He had run to his little hobbit hole in a frenzy so that no one would find him.

This is where most things get foggy but he very clearly remembers ripping open any skin he could reach. His arms, legs, chest, stomach, literally anywhere. 

That would explain why he’s so sore.

He started to get up very slowly and carefully and as he did this he realized just how much blood there was. It makes sense, considering he had literally passed out, but he was all over him and the bathroom. This was going to require a lot of cleaning.

When he stood up he attempted a look in the mirror, seeing his feathers and hair matted with blood he quickly glanced away. He hated cleaning his wings.

He left his bathroom in just his boxers and a binder to grab a towel and some fresh clothes. He also looked around until his eyes landed on a clock, seeing it was around noonish and that he actually wasn’t out that long.

He walked back to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He took off the rest of his clothes and saw that there were more cuts underneath. He sighed as he entered the shower, wincing slightly at the sting of the water hitting all of his fresh cuts.

As the water washed away the dried blood he got his first good look at the damage. It was bad, like, really bad. He thinks a few might even need stitches. He knows he doesn’t want to go to stress, scar or joe but he also hasn’t done this many stitches in a long time.

Not since evo.

He doesn’t want to think about it but he does have to admit having watcher magic other than the wings would be very helpful in these situations.

He sighed. He has two options, go to one of the healer hermits like stress, scar and joe or, he could try and do it himself. As the water kept washing over his body he weighed out the pros and cons of each option.

Doing it himself would be a lot more painful and he’d probably pass out a few times, he needed a lot of stitches. There was also the higher risk of an infection, but, he wouldn’t have to tell any other hermits about his self harm, or well his relapse. 

They all knew he had past issues with it, the scars weren’t exactly discreet.

He really didn’t want anyone else to know about this. He knows if he went to stress, scar or joe they’d try to make him stop or talk to them at least, or maybe they’d make him tell iskall and mumbo.

But if he had an actual healer do it the risk for infection would be almost zero, he probably would only pass out once, if at all, and it wouldn’t be as painful.

He really didn’t know which option to pick.

It really boiled down to either, keep it a secret but with a lot of pain, or, people will know he failed at staying clean but he also won’t be in pain, maybe he could even start healing again and try to stay clean.

But the thought of actually telling anyone he fucked up was terrifying. He especially didn’t want more people than necessary to know. He knows if he goes to stress she’s almost guaranteed to tell him to tell his partners. Scar would probably have the same reaction as stress and want him to open up. Joe could probably be persuaded to let him keep it a secret but only if he talked to him about it. 

None of them would let him continue hurting himself.

He thinks his main issue might be the amount of people knowing as well as the fact that he doesn’t really feel like he deserves to stop. He thinks about the joe option again, he likes joe and it’d only be one person. But he also doesn’t think joe would relent for that long and he knows that only having joe to talk to won’t be a forever thing.

He just stands there for a few minutes before another thought crosses his mind. Iskall can do stitches, they’re actually very good at first aid from their time as a hitman.

He doesn’t want iskall to know, but he also feels that way about anyone knowing, and he has to face it this is too much for him to do on his own. If he gets an infection he’ll have to go to a healer anyway why not get the stitches done by someone he completely trusts not only to take care of him but also to help him recover.

He still has that fear of iskall and mumbo finding out but maybe he can handle just one of his partners knowing. He doesn’t want to keep hurting himself, he wants to be happy. At the same time though he doesn’t know if he can be again. He’s done it before but it obviously didn’t last.

He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want iskall to be disappointed but he also knows deep back in his mind somewhere that they won’t be. They’ll probably be happy grian came to them.

He stopped thinking about it for now and decided to start cleaning his wings off. He hates getting stuff in his wings, its annoying to try and get it all out when he can’t even see his whole wing.

That ends up taking less time than he thought and by the time he was drying himself off he say it was only around twelve thirty.

He decided to message iskall and see if they’re busy, he finished drying himself off and got dressed. He gingerly pulled his jeans and signature red sweater onto his body trying to not open up any of his cuts. He decided not to bandage them.

He fished out his communicator from his bedside drawer and sent a quick private message to iskall.

Grian: iskall r u busy?

He got a response not even a minute later.

Iskall: no why

Grian: can I meet you at your base, I need a little help with something.

Iskall: yeah course

grian put his communicator into his back pocket and left to fly over to iskall’s big tree.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SO LONG AND THIS IS SHIT BUT UM
> 
> anyways have this i need to work on my other fics now
> 
> (i wrote this in like 27 minutes blehh)

To say iskall was surprised by the person messaging them would be a bit of an understatement, they wasn’t shocked per say, but they still weren’t expecting a message from Grian. Especially a message as vague as ‘are you busy?’. 

They had assumed grian to be busy with building one of his many projects or grinding out materials as when a hermit “disappears” that’s normally what they’re doing. That is why when Grian hadn’t messaged them or mumbo in a couple weeks and didn’t respond to anything either of them or the other hermits said to him they weren’t too worried.

They were still a little concerned, why wouldn’t they? But that was mostly just because normally Grian won’t go this long without messaging one of the hermits.

But that doesn’t matter anymore, he seems to be back from whatever he was doing.

With that thought process finished they hear Grian landing in their omega tree, turning around to look at him make a shaky landing.

That made them instantly more attentive, at least more than they already were.

“Hey, iskall.” he looked and sounded nervous, maybe even scared.

“What’s wrong G.” 

Grian looked disheveled and tired, they could feel the nervous and depressed energy wafting off of their partner.

“You can always tell can’t you.” he let out a thick sigh and sat down on the wooden floor.

“I need stitches, I’m pretty sure.” he looked down into his lap to avoid iskall’s concerned and knowing look.

“I’ll get the first aid.” 

While they were off getting the first aid stuff Grian started undressing so that Iskall could look over all his injuries and make sure he got all of the bad cuts.

By the time they came back he was only in his boxers and binder, he would probably have to take those off later too though, he knows iskall will want to check.

They sat in silence as iskall cleaned out all of Grian’s cuts and worked on stitching up the worst ones. Eventually they started on bandaging them all.

“I’m sorry.” Grian continued staring into his lap, as he had been doing the past hour or so of iskall working on his cuts.

Iskall suddenly stopped bandaging him up, “What do you mean sorry?”

“I mean sorry that I started doing this again, even after you and mumbo worked so hard to help me get better. I should’ve gone to one of you, hell! I should’ve gone to any of the hermits!”

“G, look at me.” he looked up “Don’t apologize. It isn’t your fault that you relapsed. Maybe you should have gone to someone but that isn’t as easy as it seems. You know that as well as anyone.”

He felt his face grow wet as his partner pulled him into their arms.

Maybe he’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> accidentally had this set as a completed fic oopsie


End file.
